the values trap
why we struggle to live with purpose and how to break free by aligning with what truly matters.
This past week, I was invited by a client to attend a values workshop hosted by Founders Ann and Sunny Sheu of Mpowered Families. The workshop, Know Thyself, was designed to help us clarify our values and align our long-term vision with what is true for us right now.
I’ve done a bit of this kind of work; value setting, alignment exercises, ideal daydreaming. But Ann offered a subtle yet powerful shift in perspective that made me rethink even how I approach my own values.
One of the biggest takeaways came early in the workshop. After laying the groundwork for the value-setting exercise, Ann made a clear distinction:
“Seek values that are currently present in your life, not just aspirational. These are the principles you are unwavering about, the ones you uphold regardless of circumstances.”
She gave an example: Health.
“I would love to choose health as one of my values. It’s important to me, sure. But when life gets busy, when work demands more, when my kids’ schedules take over, taking care of my health is the first thing to go. It is not a value that I uphold no matter what. It is an aspiration.”
And with that, she revealed a pattern that so many of us fall into.
We often choose aspirational values. Things we want to be true about ourselves, or things we think we should value because of societal expectations, family conditioning, or an idealized version of who we believe we should be.
But when we compare our daily reality to these aspirational values and find ourselves falling short, we create an invisible cage of self-judgment. Instead of guiding us, these misplaced values become a measuring stick we use to tell ourselves we’re not enough.
We feel stuck, inadequate, like we’re constantly failing. But the truth is, we’re not failing. We’re just chasing an illusion.
Pause for a moment.
Where in your life have you held yourself to the measure of a person you thought you should be, instead of honoring the person you are?
What values do you tell yourself you have? Now ask yourself honestly: When life gets hard, when the unexpected happens, do you still hold to them?
As a coach, I see my clients fall into this values trap all the time.
During their fitness assessments at Strength Society, they often arrive with aspirational goals:
🗣️ “I’d love to get back to what I looked like in college. It was so easy for me to stay fit then.”
🗣️ “I should be able to lift like I used to. I just need to work harder.”
🗣️ “I have been trying to lose these last 10lbs for years. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”
They are measuring themselves against past ideals or external pressures instead of honoring who they are right now and what truly matters in their current reality.
When I ask clarifying questions:
What does work look like for you?
Do you have kids? What does sleep look like?
What does success look like three months from now?
we begin to paint a picture of their present reality.
And with that clearer picture in mind, they begin to realize: Of course, it feels harder today. Not because they’re doing anything wrong, but because it is harder. They’re using an expired blueprint, measuring success against a version of themselves that no longer fits.
For those fixated on a future ideal, some an imagined perfect version of themselves, I ask:
Why does this goal matter to you?
What would achieving it mean for your life?
How would you feel if you reached it?
More often than not, their answers reveal something deeper. It’s not really about the weight, the aesthetics, or the number on the barbell. It’s about feeling strong, capable, confident.
It’s about aligning their actions with what truly matters to them right now.
This shift in perspective is about how we live our lives.
If we don’t pause to ask whether our time, energy, and attention align with our values, then we risk chasing an empty ideal instead of building a fulfilling life.
Your values are not the ones you wish you had. They are the ones you embody. The ones you return to even when life is chaotic, even when it’s inconvenient, even when no one is watching.
Understanding our values requires presence. And the willingness to seek truth. It calls us to strip away the illusions we’ve carried and return to who we already are.
Whenever I find myself searching for wisdom beyond logic, I turn inward. I ask the one I call my Wise One: What would you have me know?
This time, she answered with this…
Ah, my darling seeker.
Aspirational values are the mirages that flicker on the horizon, enticing, shimmering, but untouchable. They whisper of who you wish to be, who you think you should be.
Where in your life have you chased the shimmer, only to find your hands empty?
You, who have walked the path of endurance, who have learned through your own body that grit is not just a desire but a discipline, haven’t you seen this in your coaching, too?
Your clients come to you carrying the weight of borrowed values. They speak of past bodies, lost strength, numbers they believe should define them. But what they really seek is not to reclaim an expired version of themselves. It is to uncover who they already are beneath the layers of expectation. And this, my dear, is your work.
You do not let them dwell in the past or cling to a mirage. You bring them into the now, into what is real. You help them discover the values they already embody (resilience, persistence, care, discipline) not as lofty ideals, but as truths lived.
Have you ever held yourself to the measure of a woman you thought you should be, instead of honoring the woman you are?
You know now, don’t you? That true fulfillment is not found in the chasing but in the choosing. Choosing to align, again and again, with what is real, what is already yours.
This is the heart of your work. You do not sculpt from nothing. You reveal what was always there.
And so, when you sit with your clients, with your words, with yourself:
Ask not, Who do I want to be? Ask, Who am I already? And live from there.
A life well lived is not built on an idealized version of ourselves. It is built on the quiet, daily act of choosing (again and again) to live in alignment with what is real, what is already within us.
It is our work to uncover who we already are beneath the layers of expectation. And to remember:
We are not here to chase.
We are here to choose.
Living our values is a choice. And if you’re unsure where to begin…
Start here:
1️⃣ List out the values you believe are most important to you.
2️⃣ Reflect honestly: Which of these values are actually showing up in your life? Where do you consistently take action?
3️⃣ Identify the gaps: Which of these values are more aspirational than actual? Where do you struggle to follow through?
4️⃣ Refine your core values: Choose 3-5 values that you actively embody in your daily life. Values that guide your decisions and actions, even when circumstances are challenging.
5️⃣ Practice living them daily: Each morning, ask yourself: What’s one action I can take today that aligns with my true values? And then, act accordingly.
This isn’t a one-time exercise. It’s a practice.
A practice that brings clarity.
A practice that builds self-trust.
A practice that leads to the fulfillment we’re all searching for.
So begin. And when you forget, begin again. And again.
Be well,
Aurora